im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
