It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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