ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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