3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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