Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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