well I can't set my house on fire every night
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
