If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
