how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
