I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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