She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
