there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
