I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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