My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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