i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
