There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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