I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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