Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
