So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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