She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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