How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
