The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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