hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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