i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
