This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
