Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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