Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
