How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
