i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
