I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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