evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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