dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
