How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
