11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
