In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
