I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
