I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I looked at my own cervix.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
