So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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