i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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