i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
