I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I yelled at your uterus for you.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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