stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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