The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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