I am puke
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
