omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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