hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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