Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
