I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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