god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
