i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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