Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
