maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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