I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
