Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
