dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
