she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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